This blog was inspired by a colleague of mine, Author, Family Life Educator, and LAUNCH Podcast host, Shari Jonas.
If your child spends nearly every waking hour in their room, headset on, gaming with online friends, you may feel shut out — both physically and emotionally. They might insist they’re “fine” and that their online friends are “all they need.” But deep down, you may sense something’s off.
During the first and second year of university, this isolation was a part of my son’s reality. It wasn’t until his addiction hit a crisis point, that I was even aware of a problem. He spent so many hours gaming, alone in his dorm room, that both his physical and mental health suffered.
To understand this desperate need to cling so tightly to the digital world, despite the negative consequences, we can borrow insight from an unexpected place: a Canadian psychology lab in the late 1970s, where Dr. Bruce Alexander conducted his famous Rat Park experiment.
In earlier experiments, scientists placed rats alone in small cages with access to two water bottles — one plain water, the other laced with morphine. Alone and unstimulated, the rats almost always became addicted to the drugged water.
Dr. Alexander wondered: What if the problem wasn’t just the drug, but the environment?
He built “Rat Park” — a large, stimulating enclosure with colorful toys, plenty of food, and, most importantly, other rats to interact with. In this rich, social environment, the rats largely ignored the drugged water. The takeaway? When life is full, the lure of artificial escape is weaker.
Think of your child’s bedroom as the small, isolated cage from the first experiment. The “drugged water” is the video game — a source of intense stimulation and instant connection that fills the void. When in-person connections and experiences are limited, the digital alternative can become the primary (and sometimes only) source of reward.
Online friendships are real and can be valuable, but when they replace in-person interaction entirely, they can reinforce isolation. Just like the caged rats, your child may be “drinking” from the only source of joy they feel they have.
If you just cut off the screentime and video games without addressing the environment, it’s like removing the drugged water while leaving the rat in the empty cage. The root problem — lack of connection, stimulation, and purpose in the offline world — remains. This often leads to resentment, withdrawal, or simply finding another unhealthy form of escape.
Convincing an addicted gamer—especially one who feels “completely fulfilled” in their virtual life—that they’re living in an unhealthy world is extremely challenging, because from their perspective, nothing feels missing. This denial is something I witness with several gamers I work with; they believe they have all the stimulation and friendship they need while remaining in their room with access to the virtual world.
To break through that mindset, you need to bypass confrontation, as it often creates more defiance and denial. Instead I suggest using subtle, relational strategies that plant seeds of doubt about the sufficiency of their current life. Here’s how a parent can approach it:
1. Start with curiosity, not accusation
Instead of saying, “Your life isn’t healthy,” ask open-ended, non-judgmental questions:
- “What do you enjoy most about your online friends?”
- “When was the last time you felt proud of yourself offline?”
- “If the internet was gone for a week, what would you do with your time?”
These questions get them to reflect without feeling attacked.
2. Validate their current world before introducing the limits of it
Acknowledge that online friendships and gaming do provide real stimulation and connection. Once they feel understood, you can gently point out what those worlds can’t give:
- Physical presence (body language, touch, shared environments)
- Unscripted in-person adventures
- Skills and memories that last outside a screen
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Create small, non-threatening real-life wins
Instead of trying to get them to “give up gaming,” engineer situations where they can experience stimulation and connection offline without losing face. For example:
- Invite a family member or old friend they like for a short visit.
- Plan an outing around one of their existing interests (e.g., a gaming convention, esports event, or tech fair).
- Suggest a “co-op” style offline activity—something where you work together, not compete against them.
Here are some examples
- Escape room – Feels like a real-life puzzle game where you work together against the clock.
- LEGO Technic or model building – Pick something challenging that requires both of you to complete it.
- DIY electronics or Raspberry Pi project – Building a mini arcade cabinet, LED setup, or home gadget.
Adventure & Exploration
- Geocaching – A real-world “treasure hunt” with GPS, great for gamers who love quests.
- Hiking with a goal – Choose a scenic spot or hidden landmark as the “mission objective.”
- Urban scavenger hunt – Make a checklist of photo challenges or landmarks to “unlock.”
Creative Co-Creation
- Storyboard & film a short video – Could be comedy, action, or based on their favorite game universe.
- Cooking challenge – Create a themed meal together (e.g., “Minecraft cake” or “Skyrim stew”).
- Music creation – Using beat-making software or even physical instruments.
Strategy & Planning
- D&D or tabletop RPG – You’re not competing; you’re on the same side building the story.
- Board games with co-op play – “Pandemic,” “Forbidden Island,” or “Gloomhaven: Jaws of the Lion.”
- Gardening with a twist – Plan and grow a “survival garden” like crafting in a game.
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Use Dr. Bruce Alexander’s “Rat Park” concept in relatable terms
Use this strategy only if your gamer has acknowledged that their gaming habits are problematic, otherwise they will tune out and possibly become more aggravated with you.
Explain that in studies, animals isolated in bare cages chose addictive substances over everything else—because they had nothing else. But when placed in an enriched, social environment (“Rat Park”), the addiction faded naturally. Then ask:
- “Do you think your room right now is more like Rat Park or the empty cage?”
- “What could make it more like Rat Park without losing the things you love?”
5. Focus on building a richer ‘in-person park’ instead of tearing down their digital one
If you just try to take away games, you’re removing their primary source of joy without replacing it—this almost always fails. The goal is to make the offline world more meaningful and engaging enough that it competes with, rather than replaces, the online one.
You won’t “win” by proving their world is unhealthy—you’ll win by showing them another world that’s just as stimulating, but also nourishing. Don’t fight the game; expand the playground.
Here are some ways to do that:
- Increase in-person social contact
Invite trusted friends or relatives over. Encourage small, manageable outings at first — a short walk, a quick coffee, a trip to the store. - Create shared experiences at home
Cook a meal together, start a small project, or watch a series you both enjoy. Shared time builds connection without forcing intense conversation. - Offer purpose and responsibility
Volunteering, part-time work, or helping with a family project can boost self-esteem and provide structure. - Support offline interests
If your child once loved sports, art, or music, gently reintroduce those activities — but on their terms, without pressure. - Focus on emotional safety first
An isolated gamer often feels judged or misunderstood. Create a home environment where they feel accepted, even as you work toward change.
Shifting from an online-only life to a balanced, connected one takes time. Dr. Alexander’s rats didn’t change instantly — they explored, hesitated, and slowly re-engaged with their new environment. Your child will need that same gradual approach.
The goal isn’t to tear them away from their online friends, but to expand their world so they no longer feel they have to hide in the room to feel connected.
When we change the “cage,” we change the behavior. And when we fill our children’s lives with connection, purpose, and joy, the need for constant digital escape begins to fade.
Link to the Shari Jonas Instagram post that inspired me to write this blog:
https://www.instagram.com/p/DMwQlxntALp/